The Case of the Missing Tent: A Parenting Perspective

During a recent coaching workshop I attended at the Life Coaching College, our instructor introduced a metaphor that beautifully illustrated the power of perspective. It centred on a brief but insightful exchange between Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson — one that demonstrated how the same experience can be interpreted in entirely different ways by different observers. The story went like this.

On one of those crisp, clear nights when the sky looked like a clear blue canvas sprinkled with diamonds, Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decided to camp out in the open after a long day of travel. They pitched their tent, shared a simple meal, and soon drifted off to sleep.

Hours later, Holmes roused himself after something that grabbed his attention. He nudged Watson awake.

“Watson,” Holmes whispered, “look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson, still groggy but eager to impress, gazed at the glittering sky. “I see millions of stars, Holmes,” he said thoughtfully. “Astronomically, it tells me there are billions of galaxies and countless planets. Theologically, it reminds me of the grandeur of creation and my admiration for the creator. Meteorologically, I’d reckon tomorrow will be a fine, clear day without showers.”

Holmes listened patiently, then replied dryly, “Watson, you are an idiot—don’t you see, the tent is gone.”

This brilliant yet straightforward story captures the essence of perspective. Watson’s mind raced through science, philosophy, and theology, while Holmes focused on the most immediate and practical observation: that their shelter had vanished.

In life and work, we often view situations through our own lenses—our training, beliefs, and experiences. Sometimes, we become so absorbed in abstract thinking that we overlook the obvious. At other times, focusing only on the immediate can prevent us from seeing the bigger picture.

As I listened to the Sherlock Holmes story during my coaching course, my mind drifted to the families I meet in clinical practice. It made me think about how often we focus on a child’s behaviour — the outbursts, the restlessness, the anger, impulsiveness and the emotional swings — much like Watson looking up at the stars, searching for complex explanations. But sometimes, the “missing tent” in a child’s world is something far more foundational: the sense of connection, security, consistency, and emotional safety that holds the family together.

This isn’t about blaming parents — but far from it. Parenting today is highly demanding, and many families are doing their best while managing long work hours, stress, fatigue, and the pressures of contemporary life. However, these very challenges can unintentionally weaken the “tent” that gives children stability. When routines become inconsistent, when quality time together is scarce, or when children feel recognised more for their struggles and deficiencies than their strengths, their behaviour can naturally become a way of signalling unmet needs.

My aim in sharing this view is not to judge but to offer a gentle perspective for reflection — a way for parents to see that sometimes challenging behaviour isn’t necessarily defiance or misbehaviour, but rather a sign that the emotional tent needs to be a bit sturdier. It’s just another way of understanding the complexities behind children’s behaviour, much like Holmes noticing the obvious that Watson missed.

Some questions for deep reflection could be

• When my child exhibits challenging behaviour, what could they be trying to communicate beneath the surface? (consider behaviour a language for communication)
• In the busyness of everyday life, have there been times when our connection or routines feel a bit strained or unsteady?
• What does “emotional safety” look like in our home, and how do we nurture it—even in small, daily ways?
• Am I able to recognise and acknowledge my child’s strengths as often as I notice the things they find challenging? Have I been able to recognise and acknowledge that I saw my child doing explicitly? Ex: I noticed you put your toys back in their box. That’s an excellent job keeping things tidy. Or “I saw you sharing your pencil with your friend. That’s very kind of you.”
• What factors in our family life (work schedules, stress, fatigue, time pressures) might be causing the ‘tent’ to feel less steady at times?
• How should I respond when my child behaves in challenging ways? Is there room for me to pause and consider what’s truly happening for them? Can I respond mindfully rather than reacting? Can I focus on understanding the issue through the lens of curiosity rather than winning the argument?
• What’s one easy change I could make this week to strengthen our bond—more shared time, more routines, or more moments of positive attention?
• When was the last time my child truly felt seen, heard, and understood by me? How do I know?
• How do I tend to myself so I can present myself calmly and consistently to my child? What skills have I been working on recently to build my repertoire?
• If my child could tell me what they need from me right now, what might they say?

Disclaimer

This article is for general informational and reflective purposes only. It does not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any concerns about a child’s behaviour, development, or well-being should be discussed directly with a qualified healthcare professional. The perspectives shared are intended to provide broad insights and may not apply to every individual case. Decisions about medical or therapeutic management should not be made solely based on this article. The author is not liable for any interpretations, conclusions, or actions taken by readers based on the material.