Tending to our mind-garden – parents and clinicians
Caring for children is one of the most rewarding but also one of the most demanding responsibilities anyone can have. For parents of children with behavioural challenges or disabilities, the journey often involves more than just the usual parenting struggles—it’s a long, emotional, and usually exhausting path. The same goes for those in caring professions, such as doctors and health professionals, who support these families. Both parents and professionals give so much of themselves that they sometimes forget they, too, need care.
People often say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” And it’s true. When we neglect our needs, we may feel exhausted, emotionally numb, or even angry without understanding why. This condition is called burnout, which many parents and healthcare workers experience. Burnout doesn’t happen overnight; it develops gradually and silently until one day, it becomes difficult to manage.
To provide children with the best care—particularly those with high needs—we must start by looking after ourselves. Let’s discuss how we can achieve that.
Avoiding burnout
Not taking care of oneself or finding time for it is like saying that you’re okay to drive the car even though you’re at risk of running out of fuel. Sooner or later, you’ll run out of fuel and stop, reaching the stage of burnout. It’s essential for parents of children who are constantly on the run to recognise the signs of low fuel early and do something about it, rather than waiting for the fuel to run out completely; by then, it will be too late. Building healthy practices is essential to avoid this.
Recognising That Your Wellbeing Matters
The first step is understanding that your health and well-being are as important as your child’s or your patients’. Many parents feel guilty about taking time for themselves. They think, “I should be doing more,” or “I can’t afford to stop.” Doctors may feel the same way, pushing through long hours, emotionally charged situations, and endless decisions.
But the truth is: children thrive best when the adults around them are calm, connected, and emotionally present. And for that to happen, we need to be well ourselves—physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Minding your thoughts
Our mind has the incredible capacity to decide on what to focus on. The happiest people are those who can control their minds, not the other way around. The mind is known to give mindless chatter all the time. The mind is considered an excellent servant, but a terrible master. Hence, having the mastery job allocated to our minds is unwise.
Tending your mind like a garden and nurturing it with good thoughts is essential. Even one bad thought can grow as a weed and destroy the peace. Hence, it’s necessary to guard the mind mindfully. We can decide on what to focus on. You can switch to a positive thought when a negative one comes up.
Even if children have many behavioural issues, the more we focus on challenging behaviour, the more we draw attention to those behaviours. Instead, if we concentrate on the positive aspects, they can likely be encouraged to repeat good deeds if they see that this gains attention from people who matter in their lives. Most of the psychological interventions and coaching are directed to mind mastery, as without these interventions, children remain slaves of their wandering, impulsive and twisted minds. For this, profound meditation to master the mind can help, as concentration is essential for mind mastery.
“Success, like happiness, cannot be pursued. It must ensue. And it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself.” Victor Frankl.
What if
The phrase “what if” can expand our imagination considerably. Using it in conversations can redirect them in a productive direction. It can also help build empathy, for example. If someone is angry, the question could be, “What if the underlying emotion is fear?” Wouldn’t that help us see things more humanely?
It also helps us build positive thoughts; for example, what if my child can do this? That could be all that’s needed for one week. Just saying goodbye to his brother daily. Or what if I won’t talk about how angry he made me, but instead focus on one thing my child has done well, and keep appreciating and saying what he did well to the relatives before him. The immense possibilities for trying new things might open up if we deliberately dare to imagine using “what if”
Finding Little Moments to Recharge
You don’t need a full day off or a holiday to care for your wellbeing. In fact, most of us can’t afford that luxury often. But small daily practices can make a big difference.
This might mean:
- Take a few deep breaths before walking into a room.
- Stepping outside for five minutes to feel the sun or breathe fresh air.
- Listening to your favourite music while cooking or driving.
- Saying “no” sometimes to things that drain your energy.
- Taking deep breaths when involved in an emotionally charged discussion. In his book “The Next Conversation- Argue Less, Talk More”, Jefferson Fisher encourages the first word to be a breath while responding. This avoids unnecessary escalation of arguments and being thoughtful in responses. Building conversation skills might be a helpful way to manage emotionally charged conversations.
These moments help us reset. They remind our body and mind that we’re not machines but human beings.
Talking could help
When things feel too much, one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is to talk. This could be with a friend, a partner, a parent, or a trusted professional. Sharing your worries doesn’t make you weak. It actually shows strength.
Doctors, too, benefit from debriefing—talking things through with a colleague or a mentor. These conversations can release stress and help put things in perspective.
Some people find support groups helpful, where others are going through similar journeys. Just knowing someone else understands what you’re facing can lighten the load.
Routines and Boundaries
Small routines can help us feel more in control when life is chaotic. For example, starting the day with a quiet cup of tea before the rest of the house wakes up. Or setting a time in the evening when the phone is put away and the brain can switch off.
Setting boundaries is another form of self-care. For example, doctors may say, “I’ve done my best for today. ” Parents may need to accept that not everything can be perfect every day. Children don’t need perfect parents or professionals. They need consistent, caring adults who are doing their best—and part of doing your best is knowing when to rest.
Moving, Eating, and Sleeping Well
We often underestimate how much our body affects our mind. Simple things like a short walk, a healthy meal, or even drinking more water can improve our mood and focus. Sleep, in particular, is a big one. Without enough rest, our emotions get more complicated to manage, and everything feels heavier.
Parents might find it hard to sleep when their child has disrupted nights—but even short naps or asking for help can make a difference. Doctors working long shifts must also find recovery time to avoid running on empty.
Doing Something Just for You
Lastly, find one small thing that brings you joy every week—something unrelated to work or parenting. Maybe it’s gardening, painting, dancing, or watching a show you love. These are not selfish acts—they are acts of survival and self-preservation. I have invested in some piano and music lessons that I practice daily, and I also spend time with family on a TV show daily to wind down; I find this time rewarding and gives me a sense that our identity is not our work alone.
There is a vast difference between well-being and being well-off. People spend lots of time trying to be well-off, immersed in earning more or overinvested in their work, to the extent of missing out on what’s essential in life. The things that are important in life are very personal. People may have to meditate on them, find what’s vital, and then follow their dreams.
It’s not being unrealistic. The things that we like may not help pay off our bills. But keeping the things you are interested in as a side gig is not a bad idea. The best investment is to invest in oneself.
Responding rather than reacting
There are times when we react to a situation. However, we also have the capacity to think through the issue, keep our minds calm, and respond. For any problem, it’s essential to recognise whether that needs a reply. On several occasions, the situation neither requires a reaction nor a response. We have the capacity to decide on the response to any situation. In some situations, reactions might be necessary, but we should also be able to reflect on the problem and take future actions carefully.
Finding something positive in all situations is valuable. This might be hard initially, but this approach certainly has value. Dwelling on negative thoughts is also not beneficial.
Reflections
Becoming an architect of the future rather than a prisoner of the past is a worthwhile goal. For example, when you spend a lot of time on someone who has wronged you, you are actually spending time with another person; the question is, who is really there with you? This mere analogy might help to prioritise your well-being over others.
We dwell on the past, analyse it critically, which can lead to complete wreck. This is similar to the Buddhist teaching of two arrows—the first arrow is the pain from the initial incident, and the second arrow is much more painful, as it results from dwelling and brooding on the issue. It’s okay to reflect, but the purpose should be to learn from it and move forward.
I find this in many parents. They could constantly think of what’s not working for them. But reflecting on what’s working and making changes would be a great strategy.
Dare to dream
It’s helpful to dream big and stay positive. The mind has a powerful ability to bring to life what one dreams of. I believe this is taken away from children with behavioural issues. There is so much negative talk about these children’s abilities that they often adopt these qualities over time. This can lead to low self-esteem. Let children imagine and dream, and parents provide a helping hand to help them achieve their potential. There are always two steps in actualisation- one in the mind and the other in the real world. This is the fundamental principle of visualisation meditation practice. It can materialise if you can visualise intensely and believe something can be done.
It’s all about Connection
Children with disabilities or behavioural needs need our support, patience, and love. But they also need emotionally available adults. And that can only happen when those adults feel supported, too.
So, whether you’re a parent or a health professional, understand this: looking after yourself is not a luxury. It’s vital. You can only care for others if you care for yourself. You can only do good for others if you feel good yourself. We can give our best to those who rely on us when we are well. And that, ultimately, is what they need most.
Disclaimer: This article does not intend to suggest that I got it all right or that I have completely mastered my mind. The concepts are based on psychological principles and my readings. I want to acknowledge the original work done in this area by distinguished researchers and authors, and I am collating these great ideas to benefit my readers.
Suggested readings
- Robin Sharma. The monk who sold his Ferrari. A fable about fulfilling your dreams and reaching your destiny. Jaico Publishing House. 189th impression 2024.
- Jefferson Fisher. The next conversation- Argue less, talk more—Penguin Audio, 2025.